Whenever you are dealing with a situation you should be able to answer the following questions: Why I don't like this behaviour? What are the negative impacts if this behaviour happens?
If we are bothered about something then it must be a reason, it must be potential harm to be worried (wary) about.
If we are bothered that my partner's ex is noticeably invested to have “family time”.
Some exes are requesting that family time to happen with new partners in present (those exes are in a new relationship themselves) and others are requesting family time only for bio-parents and children, no spouses allowed. (those exes are usually single or they have a strongly dominant role in their new family where their new partner has no voice).
If you read carefully, you already noticed the pattern: BM wants to have a special time where they can feel equal in their co-parenting dynamic. It is emotionally unbelievably difficult for a mother to accept the reality- my attempt at a family with that man failed. He is now happy and has a family and I have ...nothing? …another partner but it's not a nuclear family nevertheless. And then the worst possible scenario, that usually rocks even the most sure-footed BM to the core - dad is remarried to a childless woman and will start a new nuclear family with her without any additional baggage from her side. That is a very hurtful potion of emotions, mixed with feelings of failure, self-pity, anger, disappointment, lost self-worth and jealousy.
The first natural instinct is to secure their position as “the most important mother” “the mother who was here first” or whatever any specific person needs for her own peace of mind.
With the same root is another very common and very annoying behaviour: undermining (sometimes belittling, sometimes even attacking) his life partner. The need to do so comes from a very basic instinct of equalizing situations: If I can not have as much as I want then I can take away something from others, so I still have more than them. If I am not 100% in the leading role, I have to try to make another woman's position less important (at least try to make it look like it's less important than it could be).
To achieve remedy for those hurtful feelings and emotional wounds, BM needs visual signs, visual proof of her superior position. She needs to be seen in the company of the father of her children. Depending on her own relationship situation, she will request that dad has to turn up on his own (the ultimate leadership status) or with his partner if BM is in a new relationship (her superior status shall be applied to both partners too).
BM needs reassurance that her “siren call” still has power over the father.
Dads with non-conflict personalities are often able to go with this request, because they can see- it's innocent, BM has no chance to “get back together” and she only wants to feel important. I can give her this 60 min ego pat and keep her in a positive co-parenting mindset.
Unfortunately, dads are overlooking serious traps with this. In psychology it's called- using a short-term remedy instead of dealing with the cause of the problem.
First: every time when you are giving in BMs requests in hope of reassuring that anxious person, you are not making that person feel better about the uncomfortable situation (she will not feel less divorced) you are teaching BM to demand proof that “she has not pushed aside, not forgotten, not the past, not unimportant to you” and every second time it has to be a greater task. Because that is how life is, if you agree to give a little, next time you will be asked for bigger favours. In every aspect of life. (work, money loans, personal favours).
Second: every time when you are spending time together as a nuclear family, you make your child hope that mum and dad will work it out one day. They are already getting along better. If I can make them come together more, they will learn that they are actually good friends and then we all will live together happily ever after.
And here where BMs who are malicious (or just low empathy and won't mind hurting their children to achieve their personal desires) are making their children their “flying monkeys”.
This term is used in psychology to describe a person who is made to be the messenger or emotional influence (usually without knowing that they are delivering someone else's message). They will tell their children that if they are asking dad to come and spend time with only three of them then “we all can be very happy”. They are making their child believe that actually, dad wants to be with them only he needs a little bit of encouragement from you.
And when a dad agrees to "just come in and have a cuppa" or "let's have a walk together, it is such a nice day" and behaves friendly and tries to give their child a nice time - their child gets confirmation: "mummy was right, dad does want to spend time with us and dad does want it to be us only! He is so happy, he is clearly loving it!"
It's extremely easy to achieve, because naturally ANY child in ANY age is dreaming of nuclear family and parents to be friends and living in the same house. Give them the smallest, faintest hope, that there is a possibility, and they will cling onto that hope and … if dad will disappoint them by NOT TO MOVING IN WITH MUM after all those friendly walks and eating ice-cream and having a fun time at the park- then they will direct their anger to dad: You failed me! You were nice to mum and still can not marry her, it's your fault!
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