Is having sexual relationships between grown-ups
the only determine where line: family, not family is? Of course not. (What about families
where one of both partners can not or don’t want to have sexual interactions?)
Cognitive dissonance theory.
f we are refusing to admit that it is
a poly-family model separated parents are aiming, then all members involved
will experience cognitive dissonance. Everything my future partner is saying
sounds good and correct and honorable but somehow living in it makes me
anxious, uncomfortable. I feel like I have to modify information about my day-to-day
family life I share with my family and friends because they would not
understand or would get upset with me or my partner (somehow when I describe
what is going on it sounds “bad” but he said he doesn't do anything “wrong”).
I spoke with adults who admitted that
their friendly co-parenting separated parents caused them different
uncomfortable feelings. Starting from constant hope that they are so friendly
they must soon reconsider and reunite only to get those hopes crushed every
time. Or getting questioned by other relatives or community members about their
“unique” family and sometimes being the target of impropriety jokes from
teenage peers (your parents must have group-sex with all four together?). One man admitted that they agreed between siblings that one of
them is always somewhere eyeshot when both of their parents are attending for
whatever reason/even. Reason was, because their parents were so friendly and chummy towards each-other, that their children become worried that their parents might “be improper with each other”, insult their current
spouses with this and end up divorcing again. I guess those parents were sure, that children
are enjoying their friendly relationship so much that they are always glued to
the hip when when both parents are attending (sad laugh from me)
Why is mum living with that man if she
is doing everything with dad? Why can not mum and dad live together if they are
doing everything together, discussing everything together, sharing their time
and money and jokes and secrets with each other?
Who is dad's partner? Mom, because he
is making all decisions with her and attends all the family events with her or
his wife who is sharing a house and bed with him?
Will confuse and unsettle children,
because they cannot understand the “command order” as it seems to be changing
all the time. Why are we saying “our family” and to describe: mum, dad
and children who are not living together and sometimes we are saying “our
family” but only mean children with one parent and her/his partner and
relatives on that side?
Confusion is the reason for anxiety or
frustration (anger) and these feelings will lead to problems between people,
problems with mental heaths, problems with behaviour, antisocial actions. And
not for children only, adults are equally affected.
Absolute majority of co-parenting and
blended family problems are directly confusion triggered from:
Why is my partner acting with ex like they are still family? They are separated!
Why for co-parenting they have to
go and hang out?
My partner keeps telling me that they
are not family anymore, that we are family but he/she is sharing all our
personal information with the ex, discussing all the plans with the ex first or
allowing the ex to veto our plans or change plans we made?
Why being in a relationship with
someone who is co-parenting, I have to act like a side piece who has to just
accept that someone else made decisions about our family time, budget,
activities, holidays, duties? Aren't we family now? Aren't they separated?
Why should the other parent consult
with their new partner before giving me an answer? We are parents, partners
should not have any say in our family decisions!
Why is my partner upset that I agreed
to have my children with us during our weekend trip? They are my
family!
Why is my ex upset that I don't want to stay at their house for night to look after children when she is out? Why can't I take them to my home? My wife is their family too?
When one is entering into a relationship
with expectation that she/he will form a family with a person who has children
but not cohabiting with another parent, then there are certain
expectations.
We are making decisions; other people
will not get involved with our day to day life.
When one is hearing a statement that
they are co-parenting then there is expectation for
a) business like involvement where
rules and expectations are agreed and followed.
b) uncle-auntie style friendly but
respectful for personal space.
Reality is almost never like this.
Reality is that the new person is expected to be part of an already formed family,
but rules are not spoken or not labelled. Or the rules are presented but in
“socially acceptable form” that lead to misunderstanding, unrealistic
expectations, confusion and loads of negative emotions.
Those confusions could be avoided or
easy to answer if we are honest enough to admit: you got involved with a polyamorous
family. Then the new person knows exactly what to expect and can make a
decision will that setting be acceptable for him/her or not.
No one will appreciate when their
partner is
Describing themselves as “adventures
and not vanilla in the bedroom” but when moving you find that you are expected
to take part or as minimum, to host swingers’ parties in your house.
Describing themselves as “people who
every now and again like to let their hair down” and when moving in they will
discover that it means being drunk every single evening.
Describing themselves as “someone who
can appreciate friends and friendships” and when moving in you find that they
are out with friends, or they are occupying your home and emptying your fridge
every single day.
Reality is that people do hide their real motivations and their real lifestyle. Maybe because they sub-conscious level are aware that this is extreme for most people's standards. Maybe because they are aware that if the potential partner would know the extent of the eccentricity, this person would not agree to start a relationship. maybe because poly-affective relationship is still criminal offence in numerous countries when exactly the same lifestyle itself is perfectly accepted by officials when called: co-parenting. list of countries
That means: it is on that person, who is
invited to start a relationship with a person in co-parenting situation, to work out what is the real situation with the so-called friendly co-parenting.
The rule of thumb is: take time and
observe. Taking notes is highly recommended too. Our memory has a habit to
remember only events that are supporting what we would like to see. When in
love, we only want to see positive hinds, however small they are and we are
happy to ignore big significant red flags. If we are writing up everything,
then we are not filtering out things that are uncomfortable. (yes, we are
forgetting them straight after writing them up and only will think and talk
about the positive things that we also wrote up that day). Only when reading
back what you noticed, felt surprised, your feelings, questions, and how often
the same theme is occurring can give you a relatively accurate picture of what
you are getting yourself into. However, there will always be people who are choosing
to write up only positive things and not anything negative (they have many
excuses to do so) or reading back their notes they are still choosing to call
those occurring red flag events “not important, this was then and he said he
will change now”. For those people we have to admit that we all are
choosing our path. Choosing not to follow advice is a choice.
Because of the social pressure and expectations, most women are not self-aware enough to akwnolege (being aware of) their real motivations when they enter in the dating game. There is large number of women who are looking for a relationship and starting a relationship, because they want "children and family" or "family and children". Not because they want this man "in health's and in sickness". They actually don't care much who is the person who is filling the "missing piece in puzzle". Some sources are hinting that this number is close to 80% of 20-40 years old female population.
Those woman you can hear using lines like this: He is a good husband material. He is such a waist of time, he is not ready to start family. He is perfect, he is ready to settle down.
Notice that those positive or negative qualities are not about the ones personality, its the valuation how this person would function as a co-parent or family provider. All the dating game and romance is to make this potential co-parent to "choose me for semination". Love? Those women are in love with the idea of the house this man will provide for her to raise her children in it. In the moment when desired number of offspring has been produced, this woman is loosing any romantic interest towards her co-parent. At the same time she reminds very active and caring towards family as a unit. A marriage ( co-habiting family) is functioning now as not-inmate co-parenting team.
https://www.todaysparent.com/family/family-life/i-love-my-kids-mom-but-i-miss-my-wife/
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