Not all mums have their child because they wanted one with that man.
Not all dads have their child with a woman they wanted to have children with.
The scenarios why this child is here are endless and here we will not analyze everyone's special circumstances.
We have a very impersonal scenario; there is a child arriving for parents where one or both did not want to have a child with the other parent.
The first thing parents are doing is, they are starting to convince everyone (themselves included) that the child was very much wanted: “No, I did not plan to get pregnant. No, I don't want to have a family with that person. No, I don't have a plan for next 18 years. No, I am not in a place to start family - BUT THIS CHILD IS VERY MUCH WANTED.
And let's face the fact: IT MUST BE TRUE. Because you must want that child very-very much if you are choosing to start the ultimate challenging style of parenthood. You are choosing to be a parent without knowing- whether you will get anger, resentment, denial or support form the other parent. If any of those happens then, which extend, or how consistent that might be? Will you get promises, then going to be ghosted instead? Or will you get a load of abuse to start with and then on top of it you have to start co-parenting and sending off your child with a person who caused you months/years of emotional pain. How much conflict with the other parent and his friends and family will bring to your life. When that conflict might park up. From the beginning? Will it be triggered by any changes along the journey? What can be the trigger? Can potential tigers be avoided? Will my child have half-siblings? Stepsiblings?
And the ultimate: HOW WILL I SHARE MY CHILD WITH OTHER PEOPLE? How will I feel when my child is spending milestones in another house? How I am going to feel when another woman is holding my child when my child is sad/or poorly? How often it will be that instead of me, the mother, another woman(man) is sharing happy moments and special "firsts" of my child, ie: my child will see snow first time but not with me, because my child first snowfall happens during another parenting time. What if my child makes the first step when in another house, my child will lose the first tooth when in another house? You are walking into parenthood knowing there is a 50-50 chance that you will miss those “first” because because no one can not plan those.
99% of parents in this position are avoiding thinking about it or even acknowledging the truth that having a child in this situation they have to start sharing their child.
How do you feel that you have to share your child's birthdays and Christmas with a person you maybe can not tolerate to be in the same room or who doesn't want to be in the room with you? Every celebration, that meant be a happy event, will be clouded by anxiety because you tied yourself with a person you were not meant to be with. What if every celebration will be full of hateful looks and snarky comments or just fear of possible snarky comments or just plain discomfort from the fact that you are in the room with a person who had sex with you ones but now would like to pretend that you are non-existing here.
Remember, you can not predict what it will be. You really don't know that person or maybe only know the negative aspects that made you decide you don't want to be family with that person.
Yes, too often we can read or hear encouragement from bystanders to go to court and fight against all of it. Get full custody, he can not take YOUR baby from you, mums are more important than dads! All those pep-talk slogans can be comforting before the reality kicks in. The ugly truth is most of the time you have to share your child sooner or later. Courts won't care if you want to breastfeed- you will be ordered to provide milk for that time. Courts won’t care if your child is crying during the handover, you will be reminded that children are crying when they are dropped off at nursery and at school. These days Dads will fight for parenting time and they will get it. If they don't want to be parents themselves then they will fight for the parenting time so they can hand over their child to his partner (stepmum) to do all the parenting for him. There are very few parents who are willing to disappear for good and you only will receive a check with child support and you can build your life freely. And even if you had no contact for yeas and you are still not free to move on with your life - you will always live with the fear that the other parent can turn up and executing his rights to have parenting time. Most terrifying is the fact that your child will run to the returned parent because, deep down, your child always missed having that parent in his/her life.
To sum it up; choosing to become a single parent this mum to be is choosing to live in constant stress and constant fear of losing their child to the other parent.
Even if those two parents have a book example of co-parenting and everything is perfect like in Adam Sandler's movie - situation can change in a second. The smallest change in routine can turn everything upside down and in the blink of an eye, your fairytale becomes a warzone.
But I know you decided to start that journey anyway. That's why you are reading this blog right now.
Congratulations on your baby!
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