Young children and anxious co-parent
Younger children have no interest in phone calls and video chats. For them it's a) pointless, they are not interested and would like to go and play instead or b) upsetting because they can see the other parent but can not touch or hug nor can go to them.
Whatever their reaction type is, it's unsettling and difficult for them. The good news is, they will get used to it. Children who used to have calls as babies with grandparents or other family and friends of their parents, who used to sit on parents lap when the parent has a call with their loved ones, can adapt much quicker and learn to interact with screens. Parents with those children are very vocal in chat groups encouraging mums “to fight for her right for loads of calls because my children love it” and unfortunately causing loads of pain to parents and young children who are not trained to have those calls from their very young age.
Children need to learn to have those calls. And they need to have them in a positive environment. ie: mum is talking to her friends and family and involves her little one, encouraging her LO to smile, wave or pay attention to people. When the little one does it, mum gives loads of signs of positive emotions. Mum is happy and gives praise to her little one. She gives positive signs verbally (encouraging words) as well as non-verbal; ie smiles, happy tone in her voice, spontaneous cuddles and touch, her body muscles are relaxed and the child who is sitting on her lap can feel mum's body reactions as non verbal information.
When a parent is forced to facilitate calls and videos between their child and the other parent she/he doesn't do any of those positive things. If duty parent is choosing to stay on call with the child or the child is too young to be able to understand how to have this call by themselves, this time the parent in present doesn't give out any encouragement or positive feedback. They might believe that they do, because they are saying “the right words” but young children are not listening to our words, they are listening to our tone and reading our body language as the first source of information (we all know how you can say to a young child: “you are such an idiot! I'll get you!” in the sweetest tone and smile and hug and your child is so-so very happy, smiley, laughing and cuddling you as a response). In a forced call situation parent doesn't give out positive signs. Their face and body muscles are tense, their voice is "unusual", their breathing changes, they're avoiding looking at the screen, avoiding or have not anything to say that is cute and funny and friendly. (maybe the other parent is also displaying similar non-verbal signs, because they too are aware how stressful those calls are. They may also be anticipating a subsequent conversation with the other parent where they will be accused and/or blamed for the child's reluctance to engage with the call). Your child is picking up what you don't want this call to happen, you don't want to see the other parent or be in their sight, that you are uncomfortable or anxious or angry during the call. So your child will develop a fear and anxiety around those calls. This leads to the child not wanting to engage with the other parent. The other parent is blaming you for making the child upset. You fight back and try to explain how you are doing “all what you can '' and it must be just the fact that your child doesn't love the other parent enough or doesn't miss the other parent or just it's something the other parent is doing wrong. Parents are more angry with each other, their child is more anxious as a result and it's all spiraling to worse and worse.
Now, your co-parent is insisting on calls and video chats with your very young child. They are worried that their child is “forgetting them” as well as they are suffering separation anxiety. Unfortunately, some parents can be even driven by pure jealousy and would like to see that their child is upset and crying and wants to be with them. Seeing their baby crying for them is the reassurance they need for their own emotional wellbeing. We are all just people and not perfect.
You can not stop those calls to safeguard your child. The other parent will not accept that, so you need to choose how to minimise the impact and do some damage control afterwards.
To start with, choose the time for contact first half of the day. Not as the first thing in the morning, the child is too sleepy and not capable of concentrating on the screen.
Absolutely not before bedtime, because then you have no time to distract your child from hurt about the other parent not being present and your child will experience an unsettled night/sleep.
Make sure that your child is not doing anything interesting just before the call. If they have to drop an exciting activity for a call, they will be currency and not happy.
Equally do not promise that you are going to do something extra fun when call is over, you child is likely to ask during the call is it already time to do that fun stuff and as the result, your co-parent gets hurt (rightfully) and upset with you (rightfully) and maybe even upset with your child saying that (remember-we are dealing with a not mature, emotionally weak person).
Then think about your relationship with your co-parent. If it is not amicable, if their present, their face, their voice is making you uncomfortable or if you feel that you are “forced to have those calls” and if you believe that this call will go bad anyway- then you are going to give negative feedback. Voluntary or non-voluntary (body language) and sometimes unconsciously (later commenting to your friends or family what a disaster the call was) or overcompensating. Common mistakes with overcompensating is to telling your child before call: “it will be fine, nothing to be afraid of”, “It will be fine, you don't have to talk long”, “It will be fine, dad can not hurt you over the phone”, “It will be fine, mummy is here, if you are uncomfortable, I will cancel the call”. Mum has the best intention in her mind- offering reassurance, but children's minds are working differently than adults. A child is taking from it, that mum believes all those options can happen. Why else did she bring it up? And instead of helping your child to relax and be excited about the call the parent prepared a background of fear of possible abuse happening during the call.
Recommendations for low conflict or non-conflict solutions.
If you are a person with strong self control and high stress tolerance- Face it until you make it. Tell your child what day he/she will have a call with the other parent. Prepare something fun to surprise the other parent during the call. You can draw pictures to show and talk about, you can make something. You can learn a song/rimes/dance/trick to show. Or if you have no time, find a funny hat to wear or a costume or make a face painting. Something full and something the other parent can start a conversation about with complimenting your child. Remind your child that you will tell the other parent that those things are prepared for them to make them happy.
All this prepares your child in a positive way. Your child gets a feeling that the parent present is equally happy that a call will happen and wants that call to go well. And also gives to your anxious co-parent a sign that their call will not cause emotional attack or blame from you.
If you are a strong person and have very good self control, start the call with your child. Say something very jolly to your co-parent to start with. Something not child related. ie: “Good afternoon, nice to see you! My mum asked to say “Hi” and so did (insert a name)”
The aim is to show to your anxious co-parent that you are not upset, she/he will not get angry texts from you after the call and the rest of the family is positive about them too. The more you can reassure your anxious co-parent that they are not forgotten, the more likely your child will have a positive experience with that call. Remember; the main fear those anxious, high conflict co-parents have is that they are forgotten, they are insignificant, they are brushed aside. Maybe they are (and often they are) but you don't have to rub this into their face. No need to add insult to injury. Let them believe that they are still part of your family circle in some new unique way. If we can let our children believe in Santa and in the Tooth Fairy and Elf on the Shelf, we can let their other parents believe that they have “a special place” in your after separation life. One again, remember that you are not dealing with a sensible person you can reason with. You are dealing with an emotionally fragile and maybe even troubled person. Give them an illusion and they will give you less trouble.
Another side of the coin is where mothers insist that dad has calls with their child between his parenting time (or contact time, depends on co-parenting agreement) or calls are ordered by court. Common complaints are that “dad isn't bothered”, “can not engage their young child'', “our child is clearly not interested to be engaged with the call”. In psychology it is called “The blame game”. Both are blaming the other one for not doing enough or not being good enough. With the blame game, no one wins and no solution can be found, only dissatisfaction and anger towards each other gets higher and higher. If this is your case then remember: children do not care. Having a phone call with a person away is not natural to them. “But with everyone else my baby is interacting so nicely, smiles and talks and gets engaged” cries mum! “It must be dad's fault it's only with him, my baby doesn't want to talk to DAD only. She must somehow know what a bad person that man is!” And yes, that mum is right. Her baby “knows” because that baby is reading mum's body-language and her non verbal cues. Babies can read that mum isn't excited and happy to see that person, so won't be her child.
(to be continued)
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