It's very emotional to discover that your partner’s children have been telling their mother or other people from mom's side lies about their time with you. Even the ones who are always having a great time in your house and showing/telling you how much they love your company. Why on earth would they do so?
Stepmum1
“I was horrified and so confused when I found out that my 5 yo stepdaughter is telling her mum all sorts of lies about her time with us. That we don't play with her, never do anything fun when she is with us. That we don't give her anything nice to eat, never snacks or treats she would like to get. That I am mean to her and so is dad. It's all a lie: She is having lots of fun, she is telling us how much fun she has and how much she loves time with us. She is sad when she has to leave. She loves my cooking. Always asks for second help and of course she gets it. And we are shopping together, so she can choose all the snacks and treats by herself. When in our house, she is such a sweet loving girl. Why does she lie about it? I am at a loss”
Stepmum2
“When their dad and I moved in, at first it seemed like we bonded with his children really well. We had loads of fun and they were such great kids. Over the time our dynamic has been changing. They begin making up horrible lies about our home and me. Their mum must direct them to do so. When we are confronting them they are denying it all. No punishment seems to work, they are lying more and more. And if we keep punishing them then we end up being the mean ones like they are trying to make us look like. They are also acting out now, disrespecting us and our house rules and their behaviour just getting worse and worse. It must be the BM, because she always hated the fact that dad moved on and she is trying to poison children against us.”
There are loads of different ways how loyalty conflict has been described: generally it could be summarised like this:
Children naturally have strong loyalties toward their biological parents. As they build a relationship with a stepparent, they may experience guilt and confusion because they worry about the impact on their non-residential biological parent. When stepchildren struggle with conflicting emotions, they will remain loyal to their biological parent, shutting out their stepparent and any emotional ties to him/her. (more to read here)
Majority of times, the loyalty conflict is created by that parent who is receiving those lies.
They can see how their parents get upset when they are having a good time in the other house. How upset their mum is if they are saying anything positive about their step-mum (or dads GF/partners. Whatever the official label happens to be). At the same time they can see how pleased their parents are when they say anything critical about the people in the other household.
In severe cases they don't have to read between the lines. The High Conflict, angry parents will interrogate them over each phone call and from the minute they step in that parents house/car. They learn very directly and probably the hard way that the angry parent will not accept anything less than some bad stories about them. If children don't have enough bad things to say, their parents will emotionally abuse them.
Direct abuse:
The parent will blame them for preferring the other parent over them.
The parent will blame them for keeping secret and being coached by the other parent to not give them “the truth”.
The parent takes away toys or destroys/bins sweets/toys/clothes/photos that the other parent packed with children.
Indirect abuse:
The parents who didn't get enough bad news will be snarky and grumpy and in a bad mood around their children.
The parent makes comments to third people (but children can overhear) how their children are brainwashed or bribed to prefer the other parent over them.
The parent makes comments in style: “If you want sweets, ask you darling dad, he is the good parent as I can understand from you”, “Of course, I am the mean one, I am asking you to eat your dinner, run to your darling mummy, she will baby you and feed you chocolate only, she doesn't care about your health, only to be the popular one!”, “Sure, I am the bad one for you, right? Go on, call me bad, you never loved me anyway!”
Child who is in this situation where their own well being depends on having expected stories to tell to avoid abuse, will make them up. Can you really blame them?
Stepmum1 did not address the issue with the child. They never allow the young child to be aware that they found out what she has been telling to her mum. They addressed that with mum very carefully. They sent mum an email saying: “Thank you for informing us about those things (daughters name) have been telling you. I can assure you that we are taking good care of her. She always asks for second help at the dinner table and always gets it. We will keep eye on the selection of treats and what she might prefer and the same about the activities here. With best regards (dad's name)”
As you can see, dad avoided saying that their daughter is lying. He doesn't want their daughter to get another emotional attack from mum. He also avoids opening the door for mum to start a convo over “who is actually lying to who”, and avoids allowing The Blame Game to start.
Secondly, dad gives reassurance to mum that their child is taken care of. He only addressed the food consumption part, as this is the only issue mum could use against him if she is planning to file something legal against them. Sweets, snacks, activities, toys….nothing about those things will not interest social services or courts.
And last, but most importantly: Dad is taking attention away from the child and makes it between adults. He is not saying that he will “have a word” with their daughter, or “will ask what she would like to do to get things better”. Never put your child in the spotlight, never make them the target of any conflict.
With this step mom and dad are securing one safe home for that child. One home where she doesn't have to be worried about adult emotions and adult problems. Where she doesn't have to feel that she needs to fake or behave a certain way to be safe.
Unfortunately Stepmum2 failed the most important part. She challenged children about the things they have been saying in the other house. She wanted to teach the lesson how bad it is to lie. With this, children now have two homes where they are targeted by adults. They have no safe place anymore. And being in situation without safe place will result with bad behavior and resentment against both households.
“But they have to learn that lying is wrong!” cries Stemum2. Yes, it is wrong. But believe me, children do know that. They just don't have enough maturity to deal with such an enormous moral dilemma like: Who should take the slap from an angry parent? Should I keep telling the truth that the other house is fine and I am fine there? I get punished every time if I keep telling the truth. Or should I tell the angry parent whatever they want to hear, to avoid punishment?
It's the classical torturing situation. Children are emotionally tortured to give information, that would give reason to attack the other parent. Shouldn't we, parents, be the ones who will take the bullet for our children? Their angry parents want to attack someone. Should we shield ourselves behind our children (They are lying, deal with your bad parenting now! I am going to punish them for lying in our house) or we should shield our children from the angry parent? (The way how did Stepmum1 solve her problem)?
“But people will believe those lies, if I don't show that those are lies!” cries the Stepmum2.
Once again, what is more important to you? Your children's mental health or the fact that people are gossiping. Aren't people gossiping anyway?
You can show that those are lies without throwing those poor kids under the bus or make them get punishments from both houses.
Get out in public with your children, let people see that you are doing activities, that you are smiley, friendly and loving towards them. That they are fed and cared for and get ice cream. Nothing can kill gossip better than seeing with their own eyes how happy you all are together.
(to be continue)
https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/children-loyalty-conflicts-divorce/
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