His ex doesn't have to akwnolege you. His new partner doesn't have to talk to you. How the silence treatment in co-parenting situations is still accepted?

 

Sounds familiar, doesn't it? The ex (or the mother of his children) announces that: 

dad's partner should not get involved, 

she will not talk to dad's partner, 

Dad's partner has no rights to communicate with her. 

She will not respond any message that comes from partner,

She will not communicate over group chat,

She has no interest to meet or get to know that woman

She has no interest in acknowledging dad's partners present because she is not her childrens parent.

The ex (or the mother of his children)

Ignores any attempts to open communication. 

During the handovers will not respond to creating's or comments from the new partner.

Ignores the partner (or wife/stepmom) during the child related events or family gatherings. 

How many times you get told that it's everyone's right to choose whom we want to talk to and we are allowed not to talk to them if we don't want to- it feels uncomfortable and somehow unfair to you. 

It's a book example of cognitive dissonance. In theory everything is legal. No one put hands on you, no one said any mean things to you. You should not have reason to complain. But it makes you feel uncomfortable. Like when you are experiencing sexual harassments but everyone is telling you that it’s ok and normal, don't be so sensitive. Maybe even that: you have nor been actually raped, are you?

And you are right, your feelings are valid, because YOU ARE abused. 

Let's have a look what scientist over the world have to say about it:

“Silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally and electronically with someone who is willing to communicate. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour. It may be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment. It may be used as a form of social rejection; according to the social psychologist Kipling Williams it is the most common form of ostracism. Research by the Workplace Bullying Institute suggests that "using the silent treatment to ice out & separate from others" is the fourth most common of all workplace bullying tactics experienced.”

The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.

Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.

The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but. The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies. Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with.  Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but it’s not. It’s a way to inflict pain but without the physical marks.  (Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies) https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/

Tactical ignoring is a strategy where a person gives no sign of recognizing someone's interactions, such as no eye contact, no verbal or physical response, or acknowledgment that a message has been read. It's widely used by teachers, parents as a behaviour manipulation tactic. It's a control mechanism that aims to force another person to change their behaviour.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_treatment

When the mother of his children will use tactical ignoring, she can create high level discomfort in the person she is choosing to ignore. Maybe it's only dad's partner, who is made “invisible for her”  in this case her goal is to make Step mum feel so uncomfortable and awkward that she will refuse to show up anywhere where the children's mother is present. 

Then Mother can make an innocent sad face and say: “I have no idea why she is so awkward around me? Doest want to attend any children related events and if she does, never speaks to me! You all know, I never said a bad word about her. She must be an extremely insecure person!”

Maybe the mother is targeting dad and his partner both. Whenever a partner is present, mum is refusing to acknowledge dad as well as his partner. She can create a highly uncomfortable aura in the room for everyone and over time she is achieving the situation that her and dad's partner (and maybe dad as well) will not be invited to the same venue.  As Prof P. Schrodt said: It's very difficult to realise what happens and who is the aggressor. We used to say, not talking to someone is not a crime. It's still better than those two fighting, right? 

How to put your finger on when “not talking” is an abuse, called “the silent treatment”? 

For the opening for this post I used picture from “Medical News Today”

And that is your answer.  If the mother of his children doesn't want to jump into being your best friend and wine buddy from day one, that is not abuse. If she says that she is not interested in meeting (yet, in such an early stage) , asks for time or reasonably limited interactions, give her time.  She needs to deal with her own emotions and over time the communication can develop. It can easily take a year.  Remember: “Slowly, softly catch the monkey”.

If she will fire those statements and demands I listed in the beginning: you are dealing with a potential abuser. Even then taking a step back and not forcing yourself onto her will be the best tactic (read our story with emotionally abusive BM here). If other of his children (or father of her children) is displaying signs to become potentially abusive with silent treatment techniques, please find a therapist for yourself.  Most people do feel offended here: “Why me? I am not the one who had emotional problems! She needs therapy here, not me!”  Yes and No. She needs therapy, alright, but you can not make her do it. You need therapy not to “fix yourself” but to protect yourself. It's like living next to a country where the government is clearly preparing for war. It's pointless to say, why should I invest in military defense? I am not the military mad? Yes, you are not, but you are just about to be attracted and you want to be ready. Therapists will give you tools to protect yourself from getting hurt or even getting emotionally ruined. We need all the tools available and all the skills we possibly can learn to survive. 

Good luck!