I am finding myself again and again surfing the internet looking for articles about perfect co-parenting. Some kind of truth that will make everything good and right and will solve my problems with my co-parenting issues.
Reading all the articles on how a good co-parenting should be, is meant to be a helpful tool to get separated parents to understand and make better choices. Right?
Unexpectedly it often has the opposite effect over the reader. Those articles might create more anger, more resentment and more reason to fuel the fight between separated parents instead.
How?
Imagine that you have a co-parenting situation, that is not perfect, but you don't really fight as well. You found a delicate balance somehow (maybe even yourself isn't sure how) and you are in the process of healing your emotional wounds.
Now you come across an article about “the good co-parenting rules”. You will find yourself reading it and before you realise, you are ANGRY. Why? Because you will find something, (maybe even many things) from that “rule book” for “correct co-parenting” your co-parent does not do. Maybe one of these articles said that you should get updates daily and your co-parent is only sending updates occasionally or you have to ask for updates to get them.. Some articles will insist that good co-parenting must involve parenting meetings to discuss stuff or have “family time all together” But you and your co-parent don't do that (insert your unique reasons here) . Some rulebooks will say that co-parent should offer extra help with childcare and look after children when you can not be on parenting duty, but you and your co-parent have always sorted out childcare for yourself via grandparents, childminders or friends when you need it. Maybe you read that the only correct way to communicate is in a friendly manner and chat over coffee avoiding an official approach. But you have been business-like for years to avoid conflict with another party. Each of those articles is in competition with each other who can have a longer list of things the GOOD co-parents must do.
All those things you have been doing up to the point you read this “rule book” used to be fine and did not upset you. This worked out over the time and did not cause problems to you or your co-parent. Maybe some of those things are even suggested by yourself- as the best solution to have a conflict free working co-parenting relationship. Suddenly you fell from being OK with your co-parenting situation to feeling upset because you clearly got the short stick here. It's in black and white in front of you how it SHOULD be, but it's not for you. Well...at least it's not FULLY that for you. This book told you: your co-parenting isn't perfect, you failed as co-parent. You get angry, you will lash out at your co-parent: “Why can't we have family days out, don't you know how damaging it is for children if their parents don't meet and don't spend time together as family anymore!” or “Why can't you send me more updates when children are with you. Don't you know how to be a decent co-parent? You have been such aloof for YEARS!” or “Normal co-parents can be friends, you are treating me like a business partner, get over yourself at last!”.
Your co-parent, who is in a peaceful mindset that you have all worked out, is now confused; What the heck just happened? Are you going through a phase? Why are you suddenly angry about stuff that was fine so far? Did someone mess with your head?
Just to put it into neutral context:
Illustrating example A
It's similar to people who believe that they are doing well with their career. Good job, good salary, enough respect and motivation baggage. And then someone will walk in and brag about how his salary is higher, holidays are longer and working hours are more flexy. And you, who felt good about yourself and your achievement to that point feel suddenly like a loser. And it's not helping that you don't know, does that person really have all this. Only the picture of what it could be is enough to destroy your happiness, your feeling of contentment about your life situation.
Illustrating example B
Imagine a student who gets back her GCSE results and gets very upset because all her grades are not A* ( or 9 by 2019 grading system). They failed! If all the results in every subject are not A* then they failed and it's not good enough and someone should be made responsible here!
So what do I recommend instead? Yes, those articles are out there but read them not as absolute truth. Those guidelines are describing THEIR vision what they think you should do or achieve to be rewarded 9 (A*)
I would like to ask: Is A* the only option for you and your children?
Remember- co-parenting should never be about you. It's not you who gets the grade, because you are not co-parenting for you. You should co-parent for your children's sake. It's your children and what level of parenting situation they are in. Will you be upset with your child if (s)he gets C or B instead of A* in Maths/English/Science? Will you attack them saying: “Don't you know what a good grade should be?” or will say: “I read that it's not so difficult to get A* there are loads of students who got A*. Why you can not produce A* for us to be proud of?” Or maybe you will graduate your kid that (s)he passed GCSEs with the best possible outcome. Maybe you give him a pat on his back and acknowledge that he did his best, did not throw the towel when things went difficult, powered through and that what matters. Giving him/her a chance to feel proud of the grade they achieved.
Remember: Co-parenting always has to be focused on children. If you are calling yourself or another one a bad co-parent. If you have an attitude that you had a bad co-parenting relationship, then it’s your children who feel that they got grade F. If you have an attitude that you tried your best, it was the best co-parenting you were able to put together, then your children will feel proud of you and happy about themselves.
Learn to enjoy your C or B grade instead of stressing yourself to the ground over: I should have A* instead.
To be clear, I am not saying that you should not try to educate yourself about co-parenting.
I would like you to have critical reading skills.
First: articles on the internet are random. You don't know who wrote them and what is their motivation (who are those people who are writing co-parenting instructions), you don't know are they genuinely knowledgeable or just an angry divorced mum who is making HER preferred style as “rule how it should be done”
I would like to ask you to read books instead. Books are checked before printed because whoever is the publisher must take some responsibility too and they are unlikely to publish some random emotional cry as a “rules for good co-parenting” that in real life, can be seriously emotionally damaging for people who will attempt to follow those rules.
Books are different and you have to find the one that “speaks your language” . I will try to have a little overview of books I have been working through over the past 15 years HERE
And please read my chapter about step-parents chat groups and why you should be very careful about them.
And some other people who said the same:
PS this post gets updated over time.
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