I happened to read an article from thedivorcecentre.com.au about how co-parenting is made difficult because one parent needs constant information about what is happening in the other house. Too many requests over the text: "Are they awake, what time you went to bed, did you have breakfast, what are you going to do, send me pictures, does little Sam have sun-cream on?" or demanding calls/facetime every morning and evening or even worse: insisting that they have to read bedtime story or lullaby or perform whatever bedtime routine. FOR CHILDREN'S SAKE OF COURSE. And they absolutely refuse to see that this kind of constantly being present in the other house is unsettling and often upsetting for children. (They are upset, because they have to be in your house, not because I am calling every day). And then they shoot: "What kind of loving parent doesn't want to know what they children are doing when they are away!"
thedivorcecentre.com.au "Stop contacting me, it’s my custody time!"
Remember, YOU know how destructive this behaviour is, the person who is acting this way, doesn't. And most likely - does not WANT TO KNOW. Not every parent can overcome their own needs to put their children's needs first. If your co-parent is a person who has good mental health, you would not have this problem in the first place, would not have any serious problems (just little nit-picking because you are different people who are not suitable for each other ). Most people who are facing this problem have several other problems with their co-parent as well. You are dealing with an emotionally broken person. You can not fix that person (exhibit 1 why you can not be together) and you can not change how they behave (exhibit 2 why you can not be together). Any attempt to "educate" your co-parent would only make conflict more difficult.
If you have a child from a no-relationship situation (that is how our co-parenting situation stated) then you have no chance to learn who the person is with whom you have to start co-parenting.
If your children are from a relationship(marriage) then clearly that person changed so much that you are not capable of co-working anymore.. .
Is there a non-conflict solution:
You have a couple of options. The first and probably easiest is what has been recommended in that article: It's really important to set boundaries with compassion. The aim is not to increase your ex's stress because if they are getting more anxious, more unsettled, angry, confrontational, their emotional health will deteriorate and as a result you and your children will both suffer. (how to deal with an unfair ex and co-parent?). In many ways, we have to stop looking at them as fully functioning, equal adults. We have to learn to see them as dysfunctional, maybe even emotionally disabled people and we have to set our expectations accordingly: you don't expect a disabled person to behave rationally? You won't punish, won't take them to court. It would be pointless, neither of those things will change that person. But you set achievable expectations. Explaining your expectations, boundaries and instant consequences calmly, clearly and simply in a way that will not leave room for misinterpretations and you will stay consistent. Not like: "My co-parent did not cause trouble last week, lest not be so strict now, surely they learned their lesson!" They are just stopped because of your clear boundaries. If you take them away - you will restore previous problems.
So how do you do that?
If you receive a text from your ex saying “How are the kids?” you should reply ONCE and ONCE ONLY. Reply with “The kids are fine, I will get them to facetime you at 6pm tonight” If your ex tries to call or text you further, do not respond. You have given them reassurance the kids are fine and that they will get to talk to them later to hear about their day. This sets boundaries that it is your parenting time in a polite, courteous way. Do this each day, reply ONLY ONCE, confirming kids are OK and they will call them later.
The result will be that the ex will refrain from continuously texting or calling as they know you will only respond once with confirmation the kids are OK and give them the opportunity to talk to the kids later.
If your co-parent is one of those people whose separation anxiety is stronger than their common sense, then you need a very calm and collected approach.
First: Know your children. How old are they? What is their personality type? How emotional are they? Are they easily distracted?
Second: Know your co-parent (Yes, they are nut-job, but let's see what they are doing) Focus on actions, not motivations. How do they usually present their separation anxiety? Are they requesting information too often? Are they requesting information that you feel they should not have reason to ask for?
Are they more interested in having access to children (asking to give the phone to children) or they are aiming to get information from you?
If they have conversations with children, how does that affect children's mood? Are they sad/unsettled that day after the call?
If your co-parent is more interested in holding on to conversation with you. Trying to get you into constant "information sharing" you can use the example above.
If they are insisting on having calls with your children, then please read the next chapters, where I am trying to give ideas how to solve this in minimal conflict. Chapters are based on children's ages: 1-Babies, toddlers and preschoolers. 2- Young children before they have their own phones 3-Children with their own phones.
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