Myths about co-parenting

 Myth nr 1:  "We are friends for children's sake"

Children don’t need you to be friends.

As long as you don't hate each other, as long as they can have both of you at the same life events without worrying you will kill each other, they don't care about your personal friendship. 

It could be even the other way around, teenagers might feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed that their parents are having too close, improper almost intimate level interactions.

Parents are staying friends for their own emotional needs (https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/7-reasons-why-being-friends-with-your-ex-usually-doesnt-work) 

It's absolutely fine to tell your child: “Your dad/mum is a great person but I really don't want to talk to/ meet up/ go for a meal/ have a chat with them. He/she is not my spouse anymore and I don't feel that connection with them anymore. But he/she is your dad/mum forever so you two will never lose that special connection. It does not depend on how much I talk to them”

It's not damaging to your child in the slightest. They might have some questions about how relationships are working or they might just shrug their shoulders and carry on with their lives.

It is damaging if you let your child know (directly or reading between lines or overhearing your conversations with your friends) that:  “ I really don't want to talk to your mum/dad because she/he is always mean to you. But I will attend your school event with them because we are still your parents and we are doing things for you even if it makes us uncomfortable”

Now your child feels- you dislike their other parent, which means half of them are not likeable. The second bad feeling is coming from the fact that you are coming to their event without good feelings because being in the same room with your ex makes you feel uncomfortable and the third bad feeling comes from the fact that their (your children) are too blame, you are doing all those things that make you uncomfortable because of them. You would not be anywhere near your ex if there is no need to co-parent. And absolutely NOT "for children's sake". You will do something that makes your children feel uncomfortable and on top of that- they get the blame. 

Myth nr 2: "Children need memories with mum and dad together. Children need memories of family events as a nuclear family."

Children are resilient. They are able to accept any reality as a norm and live accordingly.

Only children who did not accept their parents living separately as a normal thing will try to get their parents to do stuff together “like family”  and there is ALWAYS only one reason for it: if I can make my parents spend enough time together, they will start loving each other again and they will become together one day. 

Now, we have to be mindful of cognitive dissonance here. Some children are aware that this is what they are doing, some know it is not OK to hope, and they convince themselves that “this is not what I mean, that is not what I am aiming for”  (movie “the parents trap when twins convinced parents to have a family trip together just for old times sake)

When you are trying to question them they will react exactly like a teenager who is called out and told that they are secretly in love with their classmate. Some will blush and admit it, some will deny it emotionally, some will get angry with you and attack you for being so utterly idiot, and some will start attacking their love interest, just to hide their true feelings.

Children can refuse to see one of their parents because of this emotional cognitive dissonance. If I am going to the other parent's house I might not be able to hide how much I miss them and how happy I am there. To avoid showing my true feelings, I will not put myself in a position where my true feelings can be discovered.