His ex doesn't have to akwnolege you. His new partner doesn't have to talk to you. How the silence treatment in co-parenting situations is still accepted?

 

Sounds familiar, doesn't it? The ex (or the mother of his children) announces that: 

dad's partner should not get involved, 

she will not talk to dad's partner, 

Dad's partner has no rights to communicate with her. 

She will not respond any message that comes from partner,

She will not communicate over group chat,

She has no interest to meet or get to know that woman

She has no interest in acknowledging dad's partners present because she is not her childrens parent.

The ex (or the mother of his children)

Ignores any attempts to open communication. 

During the handovers will not respond to creating's or comments from the new partner.

Ignores the partner (or wife/stepmom) during the child related events or family gatherings. 

How many times you get told that it's everyone's right to choose whom we want to talk to and we are allowed not to talk to them if we don't want to- it feels uncomfortable and somehow unfair to you. 

It's a book example of cognitive dissonance. In theory everything is legal. No one put hands on you, no one said any mean things to you. You should not have reason to complain. But it makes you feel uncomfortable. Like when you are experiencing sexual harassments but everyone is telling you that it’s ok and normal, don't be so sensitive. Maybe even that: you have nor been actually raped, are you?

And you are right, your feelings are valid, because YOU ARE abused. 

Let's have a look what scientist over the world have to say about it:

“Silent treatment is the refusal to communicate verbally and electronically with someone who is willing to communicate. It may range from just sulking to malevolent abusive controlling behaviour. It may be a passive-aggressive form of emotional abuse. Clinical psychologist Harriet Braiker identifies it as a form of manipulative punishment. It may be used as a form of social rejection; according to the social psychologist Kipling Williams it is the most common form of ostracism. Research by the Workplace Bullying Institute suggests that "using the silent treatment to ice out & separate from others" is the fourth most common of all workplace bullying tactics experienced.”

The silent treatment is a way to inflict pain without visible bruising – literally.

Research has shown that the act of ignoring or excluding activates the same area of the brain that is activated by physical pain.

The silent treatment can tend to present itself as a response more fitting of the ‘high road’, one of grace and dignity, but research has shown it is anything but. The silent treatment, even if it’s brief, activates the anterior cingulate cortex – the part of the brain that detects physical pain. The initial pain is the same, regardless of whether the exclusion is by strangers, close friends or enemies. Generally, it’s called on as the weapon of choice because it’s powerful and it’s easy to get away with.  Silence can feel like a dignified, high road response but it’s not. It’s a way to inflict pain but without the physical marks.  (Paul Schrodt, PhD, Professor of Communication Studies) https://www.heysigmund.com/the-silent-treatment/

Tactical ignoring is a strategy where a person gives no sign of recognizing someone's interactions, such as no eye contact, no verbal or physical response, or acknowledgment that a message has been read. It's widely used by teachers, parents as a behaviour manipulation tactic. It's a control mechanism that aims to force another person to change their behaviour.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Silent_treatment

When the mother of his children will use tactical ignoring, she can create high level discomfort in the person she is choosing to ignore. Maybe it's only dad's partner, who is made “invisible for her”  in this case her goal is to make Step mum feel so uncomfortable and awkward that she will refuse to show up anywhere where the children's mother is present. 

Then Mother can make an innocent sad face and say: “I have no idea why she is so awkward around me? Doest want to attend any children related events and if she does, never speaks to me! You all know, I never said a bad word about her. She must be an extremely insecure person!”

Maybe the mother is targeting dad and his partner both. Whenever a partner is present, mum is refusing to acknowledge dad as well as his partner. She can create a highly uncomfortable aura in the room for everyone and over time she is achieving the situation that her and dad's partner (and maybe dad as well) will not be invited to the same venue.  As Prof P. Schrodt said: It's very difficult to realise what happens and who is the aggressor. We used to say, not talking to someone is not a crime. It's still better than those two fighting, right? 

How to put your finger on when “not talking” is an abuse, called “the silent treatment”? 

For the opening for this post I used picture from “Medical News Today”

And that is your answer.  If the mother of his children doesn't want to jump into being your best friend and wine buddy from day one, that is not abuse. If she says that she is not interested in meeting (yet, in such an early stage) , asks for time or reasonably limited interactions, give her time.  She needs to deal with her own emotions and over time the communication can develop. It can easily take a year.  Remember: “Slowly, softly catch the monkey”.

If she will fire those statements and demands I listed in the beginning: you are dealing with a potential abuser. Even then taking a step back and not forcing yourself onto her will be the best tactic (read our story with emotionally abusive BM here). If other of his children (or father of her children) is displaying signs to become potentially abusive with silent treatment techniques, please find a therapist for yourself.  Most people do feel offended here: “Why me? I am not the one who had emotional problems! She needs therapy here, not me!”  Yes and No. She needs therapy, alright, but you can not make her do it. You need therapy not to “fix yourself” but to protect yourself. It's like living next to a country where the government is clearly preparing for war. It's pointless to say, why should I invest in military defense? I am not the military mad? Yes, you are not, but you are just about to be attracted and you want to be ready. Therapists will give you tools to protect yourself from getting hurt or even getting emotionally ruined. We need all the tools available and all the skills we possibly can learn to survive. 

Good luck! 

Why are my Stepchildren telling lies about our home?

It's very emotional to discover that your partner’s children have been telling their mother or other people from mom's side lies about their time with you.  Even the ones who are always having a great time in your house and showing/telling you how much they love your company. Why on earth would they do so?

Stepmum1

“I was horrified and so confused when I found out that my 5 yo stepdaughter is telling her mum all sorts of lies about her time with us. That we don't play with her, never do anything fun when she is with us. That we don't give her anything nice to eat, never snacks or treats she would like to get. That I am mean to her and so is dad. It's all a lie: She is having lots of fun, she is telling us how much fun she has and how much she loves time with us. She is sad when she has to leave. She loves my cooking. Always asks for second help and of course she gets it. And we are shopping together, so she can choose all the snacks and treats by herself. When in our house, she is such a sweet loving girl. Why does she lie about it? I am at a loss”

Stepmum2

“When their dad and I moved in, at first it seemed like we bonded with his children really well. We had loads of fun and they were such great kids. Over the time our dynamic has been changing. They begin making up horrible lies about our home and me. Their mum must direct them to do so. When we are confronting them they are denying it all.  No punishment seems to work, they are lying more and more. And if we keep punishing them then we end up being the mean ones like they are trying to make us look like. They are also acting out now, disrespecting us and our house rules and their behaviour just getting worse and worse. It must be the BM, because she always hated the fact that dad moved on and she is trying to poison children against us.”

There are loads of different ways how loyalty conflict has been described: generally it could be summarised like this: 

Children naturally have strong loyalties toward their biological parents. As they build a relationship with a stepparent, they may experience guilt and confusion because they worry about the impact on their non-residential biological parent. When stepchildren struggle with conflicting emotions, they will remain loyal to their biological parent, shutting out their stepparent and any emotional ties to him/her. (more to read here) 

Majority of times, the loyalty conflict is created by that parent who is receiving those lies.

They can see how their parents get upset when they are having a good time in the other house. How upset their mum is if they are saying anything positive about their step-mum (or dads GF/partners. Whatever the official label happens to be).  At the same time they can see how pleased their parents are when they say anything critical about the people in the other household. 

In severe cases they don't have to read between the lines. The High Conflict, angry parents will interrogate them over each phone call and from the minute they step in that parents house/car. They learn very directly and probably the hard way that the angry parent will not accept anything less than some bad stories about them. If children don't have enough bad things to say, their parents will emotionally abuse them. 

Direct abuse:

The parent will blame them for preferring the other parent over them.

The parent will blame them for keeping secret and being coached by the other parent to not give them “the truth”.

The parent takes away toys or destroys/bins sweets/toys/clothes/photos that the other parent packed with children. 

Indirect abuse:

The parents who didn't get enough bad news will be snarky and grumpy and in a bad mood around their children.

The parent makes comments to third people (but children can overhear) how their children are brainwashed or bribed to prefer the other parent over them.

The parent makes comments in style: “If you want sweets, ask you darling dad, he is the good parent as I can understand from you”, “Of course, I am the mean one, I am asking you to eat your dinner, run to your darling mummy, she will baby you and feed you chocolate only, she doesn't care about your health, only to be the popular one!”, “Sure, I am the bad one for you, right? Go on, call me bad, you never loved me anyway!”

Child who is in this situation where their own well being depends on having expected stories to tell to avoid abuse, will make them up. Can you really blame them?

Stepmum1 did not address the issue with the child. They never allow the young child to be aware that they found out what she has been telling to her mum. They addressed that with mum very carefully. They sent mum an email saying: “Thank you for informing us about those things (daughters name) have been telling you. I can assure you that we are taking good care of her. She always asks for second help at the dinner table and always gets it. We will keep eye on the selection of treats and what she might prefer and the same about the activities here. With best regards (dad's name)”

As you can see, dad avoided saying that their daughter is lying. He doesn't want their daughter to get another emotional attack from mum. He also avoids opening the door for mum to start a convo over “who is actually lying to who”, and avoids allowing The Blame Game to start. 

Secondly, dad gives reassurance to mum that their child is taken care of. He only addressed the food consumption part, as this is the only issue mum could use against him if she is planning to file something legal against them. Sweets, snacks, activities, toys….nothing about those things will not interest social services or courts. 

And last, but most importantly: Dad is taking attention away from the child and makes it between adults. He is not saying that he will “have a word” with their daughter, or “will ask what she would like to do to get things better”.  Never put your child in the spotlight, never make them the target of any conflict.

With this step mom and dad are securing one safe home for that child. One home where she doesn't have to be worried about adult emotions and adult problems. Where she doesn't have to feel that she needs to fake or behave a certain way to be safe.

Unfortunately Stepmum2 failed the most important part. She challenged children about the things they have been saying in the other house. She wanted to teach the lesson how bad it is to lie. With this, children now have two homes where they are targeted by adults.  They have no safe place anymore. And being in situation without safe place will result with bad behavior and resentment against both households.

“But they have to learn that lying is wrong!” cries Stemum2. Yes, it is wrong. But believe me, children do know that. They just don't have enough maturity to deal with such an enormous moral dilemma like:  Who should take the slap from an angry parent? Should I keep telling the truth that the other house is fine and I am fine there? I get punished every time if I keep telling the truth.  Or should I tell the angry parent whatever they want to hear, to avoid punishment? 

It's the classical torturing situation. Children are emotionally tortured to give information, that would give reason to attack the other parent. Shouldn't we, parents, be the ones who will take the bullet for our children? Their angry parents want to attack someone. Should we shield ourselves behind our children (They are lying, deal with your bad parenting now! I am going to punish them for lying in our house) or we should shield our children from the angry parent? (The way how did Stepmum1 solve her problem)?

“But people will believe those lies, if I don't show that those are lies!” cries the Stepmum2.

Once again, what is more important to you?  Your children's mental health or the fact that people are gossiping. Aren't people gossiping anyway?

You can show that those are lies without throwing those poor kids under the bus or make them get punishments from both houses. 

Get out in public with your children, let people see that you are doing activities, that you are smiley, friendly and loving towards them. That they are fed and cared for and get ice cream. Nothing can kill gossip better than seeing with their own eyes how happy you all are together. 

(to be continue) 

https://familytimescny.com/2014/07/01/loyalty-binds-when-a-child-feels-conflicted-about-a-stepparent/

https://www.midlifedivorcerecovery.com/children-loyalty-conflicts-divorce/

https://stepparentingwithgrace.wordpress.com/2010/01/20/healthy-stepparenting-2-recognize-the-impact-of-loyalty-conflict/

How reading articles about good co-parenting can make things worse.

I am finding myself again and again surfing the internet looking for articles about perfect co-parenting. Some kind of truth that will make everything good and right and will solve my problems with my co-parenting issues. 

Reading all the articles on how a good co-parenting should be, is meant to be a helpful tool to get separated parents to understand and make better choices. Right?

Unexpectedly it often has the opposite effect over the reader. Those articles might create more anger, more resentment and more reason to fuel the fight between separated parents instead.

How? 

Imagine that you have a co-parenting situation, that is not perfect, but you don't really fight as well. You found a delicate balance somehow (maybe even yourself isn't sure how) and you are in the process of healing your emotional wounds.

Now you come across an article about “the good co-parenting rules”. You will find yourself reading it and before you realise, you are ANGRY. Why? Because you will find something, (maybe even many things) from that “rule book” for “correct co-parenting” your co-parent does not do. Maybe one of these articles said that you should get updates daily and your co-parent is only sending updates occasionally or you have to ask for updates to get them..  Some articles will insist that good co-parenting must involve parenting meetings to discuss stuff or have “family time all together” But you and your co-parent don't do that (insert your unique reasons here) . Some rulebooks will say that co-parent should offer extra help with childcare and look after children when you can not be on parenting duty, but you and your co-parent have always sorted out childcare for yourself via grandparents, childminders or friends when you need it. Maybe you read that the only correct way to communicate is in a friendly manner and chat over coffee avoiding an official approach. But you have been business-like for years to avoid conflict with another party. Each of those articles is in competition with each other who can have a longer list of things the GOOD co-parents must do.

All those things you have been doing up to the point you read this “rule book” used to be fine and did not upset you. This worked out over the time and did not cause problems to you or your co-parent.  Maybe some of those things are even suggested by yourself- as the best solution to have a conflict free working co-parenting relationship.  Suddenly you fell from being OK with your co-parenting situation to feeling upset because you clearly got the short stick here. It's in black and white in front of you how it SHOULD be, but it's not for you. Well...at least it's not FULLY that for you. This book told you: your co-parenting isn't perfect, you failed as co-parent. You get angry, you will lash out at your co-parent: “Why can't we have family days out, don't you know how damaging it is for children if their parents don't meet and don't spend time together as family anymore!” or  “Why can't you send me more updates when children are with you. Don't you know how to be a decent co-parent? You have been such aloof for YEARS!” or  “Normal co-parents can be friends, you are treating me like a business partner, get over yourself at last!”.

Your co-parent, who is in a peaceful mindset that you have all worked out, is now confused; What the heck just happened? Are you going through a phase? Why are you suddenly angry about stuff that was fine so far? Did someone mess with your head?  

Just to put it into neutral context:

Illustrating example A

It's similar to people who believe that they are doing well with their career. Good job, good salary, enough respect and motivation baggage. And then someone will walk in and brag about how his salary is higher, holidays are longer and working hours are more flexy. And you, who felt good about yourself and your achievement to that point feel suddenly like a loser. And it's not helping that you don't know, does that person really have all this. Only the picture of what it could be is enough to destroy your happiness, your feeling of contentment about your life situation.

Illustrating example B

Imagine a student who gets back her GCSE results and gets very upset because all her grades are not A*  ( or 9 by 2019 grading system). They failed! If all the results in every subject are not A* then they failed and it's not good enough and someone should be made responsible here!

So what do I recommend instead?  Yes, those articles are out there but read them not as absolute truth. Those guidelines are describing THEIR vision what they think you should do or achieve to be rewarded 9  (A*) 

I would like to ask:   Is A* the only option for you and your children?

Remember- co-parenting should never be about you. It's not you who gets the grade, because you are not co-parenting for you. You should co-parent for your children's sake.  It's your children and what level of parenting situation they are in. Will you be upset with your child if (s)he gets C or B instead of A* in Maths/English/Science? Will you attack them saying: “Don't you know what a good grade should be?” or will say: “I read that it's not so difficult to get A* there are loads of students who got A*. Why you can not produce A* for us to be proud of?”  Or maybe you will graduate your kid that (s)he passed GCSEs with the best possible outcome. Maybe you give him a pat on his back and acknowledge that he did his best, did not throw the towel when things went difficult, powered through and that what matters. Giving him/her a chance to feel proud of the grade they achieved.

Remember: Co-parenting always has to be focused on children. If you are calling yourself or another one a  bad co-parent. If you have an attitude that you had a bad co-parenting relationship, then it’s your children who feel that they got grade F.  If you have an attitude that you tried your best, it was the best co-parenting you were able to put together, then your children will feel proud of you and happy about themselves.

Learn to enjoy your C or B grade instead of stressing yourself to the ground over: I should have A* instead.

To be clear, I am not saying that you should not try to educate yourself about co-parenting.

I would like you to have critical reading skills.

First: articles on the internet are random. You don't know who wrote them and what is their motivation (who are those people who are writing co-parenting instructions), you don't know are they genuinely knowledgeable or just an angry divorced mum who is making HER preferred style as “rule how it should be done”

I would like to ask you to read books instead. Books are checked before printed because whoever is the publisher must take some responsibility too and they are unlikely to publish some random emotional cry as a “rules for good co-parenting” that in real life, can be seriously emotionally damaging for people who will attempt to follow those rules. 

Books are different and you have to find the one that “speaks your language” . I will try to have a little overview of books I have been working through over the past 15 years HERE

And please read my chapter about step-parents chat groups and why you should be very careful about them. 

And some other people who said the same:

Jamie Scimgeour

PS this post gets updated over time.

Low conflict phone calls with babies and toddlers

 Young children and anxious co-parent

Younger children have no interest in phone calls and video chats. For them it's a) pointless, they are not interested and would like to go and play instead or b) upsetting because they can see the other parent but can not touch or hug nor can go to them. 

Whatever their reaction type is, it's unsettling and difficult for them. The good news is, they will get used to it. Children who used to have calls as babies with grandparents or other family and friends of their parents, who used to sit on parents lap when the parent has a call with their loved ones, can adapt much quicker and learn to interact with screens. Parents with those children are very vocal in chat groups encouraging mums “to fight for her right for loads of calls because my children love it” and unfortunately causing loads of pain to parents and young children who are not trained to have those calls from their very young age. 

Children need to learn to have those calls. And they need to have them in a positive environment. ie: mum is talking to her friends and family and involves her little one, encouraging her LO to smile, wave or pay attention to people. When the little one does it, mum gives loads of signs of positive emotions. Mum is happy and gives praise to her little one. She gives positive signs verbally (encouraging words) as well as non-verbal; ie smiles, happy tone in her voice, spontaneous cuddles and touch, her body muscles are relaxed and the child who is sitting on her lap can feel mum's body reactions as non verbal information.

When a parent is forced to facilitate calls and videos between their child and the other parent she/he doesn't do any of those positive things. If duty parent is choosing to stay on call with the child or the child is too young to be able to understand how to have this call by themselves, this time the parent in present doesn't give out any encouragement or positive feedback. They might believe that they do, because they are saying “the right words” but young children are not listening to our words, they are listening to our tone and reading our body language as the first source of information (we all know how you can say to a young child: “you are such an idiot! I'll get you!” in the sweetest tone and smile and hug and your child is so-so very happy, smiley, laughing and cuddling you as a response). In a forced call situation parent doesn't give out positive signs. Their face and body muscles are tense, their voice is "unusual", their breathing changes, they're avoiding looking at the screen, avoiding or have not anything to say that is cute and funny and friendly. (maybe the other parent is also displaying similar non-verbal signs, because they too are aware how stressful those calls are. They may also be anticipating a subsequent conversation with the other parent where they will be accused and/or blamed for the child's reluctance to engage with the call). Your child is picking up what you don't want this call to happen, you don't want to see the other parent or be in their sight, that you are uncomfortable or anxious or angry during the call. So your child will develop a fear and anxiety around those calls. This leads to the child not wanting to engage with the other parent. The other parent is blaming you for making the child upset. You fight back and try to explain how you are doing “all what you can '' and it must be just the fact that your child doesn't love the other parent enough or doesn't miss the other parent or just it's something the other parent is doing wrong. Parents are more angry with each other, their child is more anxious as a result and it's all spiraling to worse and worse. 

Now, your co-parent is insisting on calls and video chats with your very young child. They are worried that their child is “forgetting them”  as well as they are suffering separation anxiety. Unfortunately, some parents can be even driven by pure jealousy and would like to see that their child is upset and crying and wants to be with them. Seeing their baby crying for them is the reassurance they need for their own emotional wellbeing. We are all just people and not perfect.

You can not stop those calls to safeguard your child. The other parent will not accept that, so you need to choose how to minimise the impact and do some damage control afterwards.

To start with, choose the time for contact first half of the day. Not as the first thing in the morning, the child is too sleepy and not capable of concentrating on the screen.

Absolutely not before bedtime, because then you have no time to distract your child from hurt about the other parent not being present and your child will experience an unsettled night/sleep.

Make sure that your child is not doing anything interesting just before the call. If they have to drop an exciting activity for a call, they will be currency and not happy. 

Equally do not promise that you are going to do something extra fun when call is over, you child is likely to ask during the call is it already time to do that fun stuff and as the result, your co-parent gets hurt (rightfully) and upset with you (rightfully) and maybe even upset with your child saying that (remember-we are dealing with a not mature, emotionally weak person).

Then think about your relationship with your co-parent. If it is not amicable, if their present, their face, their voice is making you uncomfortable or if you feel that you are “forced to have those calls” and if you believe that this call will go bad anyway- then you are going to give negative feedback. Voluntary or non-voluntary (body language) and sometimes unconsciously (later commenting to your friends or family what a disaster the call was) or overcompensating. Common mistakes with overcompensating is to telling your child before call: “it will be fine, nothing to be afraid of”, “It will be fine, you don't have to talk long”, “It will be fine, dad can not hurt you over the phone”, “It will be fine, mummy is here, if you are uncomfortable, I will cancel the call”. Mum has the best intention in her mind- offering reassurance, but children's minds are working differently than adults. A child is taking from it, that mum believes all those options can happen. Why else did she bring it up? And instead of helping your child to relax and be excited about the call the parent prepared a background of fear of possible abuse happening during the call. 

Recommendations for low conflict or non-conflict solutions.

If you are a person with strong self control and high stress tolerance- Face it until you make it. Tell your child what day he/she will have a call with the other parent. Prepare something fun to surprise the other parent during the call. You can draw pictures to show and talk about, you can make something. You can learn a song/rimes/dance/trick to show. Or if you have no time, find a funny hat to wear or a costume or make a face painting. Something full and something the other parent can start a conversation about with complimenting your child. Remind your child that you will tell the other parent that those things are prepared for them to make them happy.

All this prepares your child in a positive way. Your child gets a feeling that the parent present is equally happy that a call will happen and wants that call to go well. And also gives to your anxious co-parent a sign that their call will not cause emotional attack or blame from you.

If you are a strong person and have very good self control, start the call with your child. Say something very jolly to your co-parent to start with. Something not child related. ie: “Good afternoon, nice to see you! My mum asked to say “Hi” and so did (insert a name)” 

The aim is to show to your anxious co-parent that you are not upset, she/he will not get angry texts from you after the call and the rest of the family is positive about them too. The more you can reassure your anxious co-parent that they are not forgotten, the more likely your child will have a positive experience with that call. Remember; the main fear those anxious, high conflict co-parents have is that they are forgotten, they are insignificant, they are brushed aside. Maybe they are (and often they are) but you don't have to rub this into their face. No need to add insult to injury. Let them believe that they are still part of your family circle in some new unique way. If we can let our children believe in Santa and in the Tooth Fairy and Elf on the Shelf, we can let their other parents believe that they have “a special place” in your after separation life. One again, remember that you are not dealing with a sensible person you can reason with. You are dealing with an emotionally fragile and maybe even troubled person. Give them an illusion and they will give you less trouble.

Another side of the coin is where mothers insist that dad has calls with their child between his parenting time (or contact time, depends on co-parenting agreement) or calls are ordered by court. Common complaints are that “dad isn't bothered”, “can not engage their young child'', “our child is clearly not interested to be engaged with the call”. In psychology it is called “The blame game”. Both are blaming the other one for not doing enough or not being good enough. With the blame game, no one wins and no solution can be found, only dissatisfaction and anger towards each other gets higher and higher. If this is your case then remember: children do not care. Having a phone call with a person away is not natural to them. “But with everyone else my baby is interacting so nicely, smiles and talks and gets engaged” cries mum! “It must be dad's fault it's only with him, my baby doesn't want to talk to DAD only. She must somehow know what a bad person that man is!” And yes, that mum is right. Her baby “knows” because that baby is reading mum's body-language and her non verbal cues. Babies can read that mum isn't excited and happy to see that person, so won't be her child.

(to be continued)