Communication examples 2 - how much should a parent call when children are with another parent?

I happened to read an article from thedivorcecentre.com.au about how co-parenting is made difficult because one parent needs constant information about what is happening in the other house. Too many requests over the text: "Are they awake, what time you went to bed, did you have breakfast, what are you going to do, send me pictures, does little Sam have sun-cream on?"  or demanding calls/facetime every morning and evening or even worse: insisting that they have to read bedtime story or lullaby or perform whatever bedtime routine. FOR CHILDREN'S SAKE OF COURSE. And they absolutely refuse to see that this kind of constantly being present in the other house is unsettling and often upsetting for children. (They are upset, because they have to be in your house, not because I am calling every day). And then they shoot: "What kind of loving parent doesn't want to know what they children are doing when they are away!"

thedivorcecentre.com.au  "Stop contacting me, it’s my custody time!"

Remember,  YOU know how destructive this behaviour is, the person who is acting this way, doesn't. And most likely - does not WANT TO KNOW. Not every parent can overcome their own needs to put their children's needs first. If your co-parent is a person who has good mental health, you would not have this problem in the first place, would not have any serious problems (just little nit-picking because you are different people who are not suitable for each other ). Most people who are facing this problem have several other problems with their co-parent as well. You are dealing with an emotionally broken person. You can not fix that person (exhibit 1 why you can not be together)  and you can not change how they behave (exhibit 2 why you can not be together). Any attempt to "educate" your co-parent would only make conflict more difficult. 

If you have a child from a no-relationship situation (that is how our co-parenting situation stated) then you have no chance to learn who the person is with whom you have to start co-parenting. 

If your children are from a relationship(marriage) then clearly that person changed so much that you are not capable of co-working anymore.. .

Is there a non-conflict solution: 

You have a couple of options. The first and probably easiest is what has been recommended in that article: It's really important to set boundaries with compassion. The aim is not to increase your ex's stress because if they are getting more anxious, more unsettled, angry, confrontational, their emotional health will deteriorate and as a result you and your children will both suffer.  (how to deal with an unfair ex and co-parent?). In many ways, we have to stop looking at them as fully functioning, equal adults. We have to learn to see them as dysfunctional, maybe even emotionally disabled people and we have to set our expectations accordingly: you don't expect a disabled person to behave rationally? You won't punish, won't take them to court. It would be pointless, neither of those things will change that person. But you set achievable expectations. Explaining your expectations, boundaries and instant consequences calmly, clearly and simply in a way that will not leave room for misinterpretations and you will stay consistent. Not like: "My co-parent did not cause trouble last week, lest not be so strict now, surely they learned their lesson!"   They are just stopped because of your clear boundaries. If you take them away - you will restore previous problems.

So how do you do that?

If you receive a text from your ex saying “How are the kids?” you should reply ONCE and ONCE ONLY. Reply with “The kids are fine, I will get them to facetime you at 6pm tonight” If your ex tries to call or text you further, do not respond. You have given them reassurance the kids are fine and that they will get to talk to them later to hear about their day. This sets boundaries that it is your parenting time in a polite, courteous way. Do this each day, reply ONLY ONCE, confirming kids are OK and they will call them later.

The result will be that the ex will refrain from continuously texting or calling as they know you will only respond once with confirmation the kids are OK and give them the opportunity to talk to the kids later.

If your co-parent is one of those people whose separation anxiety is stronger than their common sense, then you need a very calm and collected approach. 

First: Know your children. How old are they? What is their personality type?  How emotional are they? Are they easily distracted? 

Second: Know your co-parent (Yes, they are nut-job, but let's see what they are doing) Focus on actions, not motivations. How do they usually present their separation anxiety?  Are they requesting information too often? Are they requesting information that you feel they should not have reason to ask for?

Are they more interested in having access to children (asking to give the phone to children) or they are aiming to get information from you? 

If they have conversations with children, how does that affect children's mood? Are they sad/unsettled that day after the call?

If your co-parent is more interested in holding on to conversation with you. Trying to get you into constant "information sharing" you can use the example above.

If they are insisting on having calls with your children, then please read the next chapters, where I am trying to give ideas how to solve this in minimal conflict. Chapters are based on children's ages: 1-Babies, toddlers and preschoolers.  2- Young children before they have their own phones  3-Children with their own phones.

Communication examples 1 - coordinating plans

Communication is the absolutely most important part of co-parenting. We can hear that all the time wherever co-patenting is discussed. Because of this, loads of people got the impression that communication must be frequent and you have to communicate with the other parent a lot to have “a good co-parenting relationship.

It's ABSOLUTELY NOT NECESSARY to talk all the time, share information frequently and go back and forward about parenting “talking about children”

It's ABSOLUTELY NOT about how often you communicate, it's all about HOW YOU COMMUNICATE. 

If all the adults involved enjoy those meetings and conversation- of course, please do. You found the way to communicate and everyone is enjoying the method.

Unfortunately not all separated parents are able to enjoy frequent meetings and discussions. Then you should not force yourself to do so only because “an article about good parenting said we have to communicate.”

You have to remember, it's all about - how we communicate. 

Communication examples - coordinating plans:

“I don't want to report to my co-parent about my plans” 

“It makes me so angry that co-parent has control over my life”

“It feels like I have to get their permission for anything I would like to do with my child”

It is emotionally very difficult for one half of the population to coordinate and make agreements and schedules because everything feels like control. Here a simple google calendar will be a saviour. 

As you already have an email account set up for communications you can add a shared google calendar to it.

There are a number of different ways for layout to set it up. People will prefer a different layouts.

Some people are better with setting those things up and can create their own.

For people who are not so computer literate, I am happy to share our template.

Ours was like this: 

You can see each hour where the child will be. Colour coordinated for mum, dad and school(nursery) and hobbies(after school clubs). It will calculate automatically how many hours each parent does in months. Easy to track, no arguments needed who does how much.

School holidays marked. 

Planned holidays with each patent marked. 

You can add comments that will show a red/orange triangle in the corner.

We have an agreement that all proposals (things planned or hoping to plan) will go to the calendar. That means we are happy to work on a first come- first serve basis.

Mum is very keen planning everything up to two years ahead. She can get all her plans in the calendar and does not have to have this frustration about: “I did tell you we are going to holiday on those dates, why didn't you remember?” because dad can not forget anymore, it's there- in the calendar.

Dad is the last minute planner who likes to call himself “spontaneous” . He doesn't  have any frustration about it. I got an amazing idea but I can not buy tickets/book anything, because I have to check with mum. Didn't I forget something that was already planned for that week/day. Why can’t she reply to my information request asap?  Now dad is opening his phone, has a look on the calendar and has all those answers immediately. 

When one parent is going on holiday with their child, another parent wants information where they are going and details. 

For some people it's extremely difficult to provide because it is allowing the other parent to parent you, you feel controlled. (it's traditionally a child-parent dynamic where the child is obliged to provide information to the parent about: where they are and for how long and when they will be back home).

Typing this information into a google calendar, instead of sending it to the other parent can be huge emotional relief.  You are not reporting to the other parent. You are typing up a reminder for yourself, for your calendar. And now it's the other parent’s duty to collect information that is made available. 

Seems like the same thing? One parent writes information up and another parent is reading it. But the fact that you are not sending information to the other parent, now it up to them to collect information. You are simply recording it in a neutral location ( a google calendar) and the other parent, who wants information, has to go and get it from the place you left it. I can make enormous difference emotionally.

As we are in a High Conflict co-parenting situation, we can not be flexible. The schedule is confirmed for 6 months ahead. Any proposal (would like to take holiday, attend family functions or anything that needs childcare or usual rolling rota adjustments) has to go to the calendar before it's agreed (6 months ahead) and then it's kinda like calling dibs on certain dates. Anything shorter notice has to get agreed by co-parent before adjustments in calendar can be made. Nothing is agreed before its in calender and the update is sent to co-parent and co-parent acknowledged it with “OK” or whatever comment is available that point (HC situation).

Revising every December, May and August for proposals that came in later and making adjustments if agreement is achieved. 

This type of calendar will equally handy when things are not so tense and HC and things are changing with shorter notice time. Then it's more likely to miss something in loads of messages in style: “Hi, can you swap this for me” and “Hi kids would like to go to xwz next Wednesday, don't forget that”. When loads of messages at random time of the day are going in and out between all the adults involved. 

Myths about co-parenting

 Myth nr 1:  "We are friends for children's sake"

Children don’t need you to be friends.

As long as you don't hate each other, as long as they can have both of you at the same life events without worrying you will kill each other, they don't care about your personal friendship. 

It could be even the other way around, teenagers might feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed that their parents are having too close, improper almost intimate level interactions.

Parents are staying friends for their own emotional needs (https://www.divorcemag.com/blog/7-reasons-why-being-friends-with-your-ex-usually-doesnt-work) 

It's absolutely fine to tell your child: “Your dad/mum is a great person but I really don't want to talk to/ meet up/ go for a meal/ have a chat with them. He/she is not my spouse anymore and I don't feel that connection with them anymore. But he/she is your dad/mum forever so you two will never lose that special connection. It does not depend on how much I talk to them”

It's not damaging to your child in the slightest. They might have some questions about how relationships are working or they might just shrug their shoulders and carry on with their lives.

It is damaging if you let your child know (directly or reading between lines or overhearing your conversations with your friends) that:  “ I really don't want to talk to your mum/dad because she/he is always mean to you. But I will attend your school event with them because we are still your parents and we are doing things for you even if it makes us uncomfortable”

Now your child feels- you dislike their other parent, which means half of them are not likeable. The second bad feeling is coming from the fact that you are coming to their event without good feelings because being in the same room with your ex makes you feel uncomfortable and the third bad feeling comes from the fact that their (your children) are too blame, you are doing all those things that make you uncomfortable because of them. You would not be anywhere near your ex if there is no need to co-parent. And absolutely NOT "for children's sake". You will do something that makes your children feel uncomfortable and on top of that- they get the blame. 

Myth nr 2: "Children need memories with mum and dad together. Children need memories of family events as a nuclear family."

Children are resilient. They are able to accept any reality as a norm and live accordingly.

Only children who did not accept their parents living separately as a normal thing will try to get their parents to do stuff together “like family”  and there is ALWAYS only one reason for it: if I can make my parents spend enough time together, they will start loving each other again and they will become together one day. 

Now, we have to be mindful of cognitive dissonance here. Some children are aware that this is what they are doing, some know it is not OK to hope, and they convince themselves that “this is not what I mean, that is not what I am aiming for”  (movie “the parents trap when twins convinced parents to have a family trip together just for old times sake)

When you are trying to question them they will react exactly like a teenager who is called out and told that they are secretly in love with their classmate. Some will blush and admit it, some will deny it emotionally, some will get angry with you and attack you for being so utterly idiot, and some will start attacking their love interest, just to hide their true feelings.

Children can refuse to see one of their parents because of this emotional cognitive dissonance. If I am going to the other parent's house I might not be able to hide how much I miss them and how happy I am there. To avoid showing my true feelings, I will not put myself in a position where my true feelings can be discovered. 

Why is my co-parent so difficult to deal with?

“How to co-parent with someone who seems to be focused only to cause problems?”

This is probably one of the most frequently asked questions. 

Before tackling the issue there are couple of questions that everyone has to answer to themselves:

1. What level of problems do you have with your co-parent?

2. Do you have to co-parent? Why not parallel parent instead? 

                            ( Read here: “when you shouldn't try to co-parent” .)

Let's make one thing clear: there is no co-parenting without problems. Please remember: whenever you hear (read) someone saying that they have a problem free co-parenting- THEY ARE LYING.

Co-parenting is a relationship (situationship) between individuals who doesn't like each other enough to share common room and same household. Co-parenting is a situation where two people who are not overly fond of each other are forced to interact because at one point they created a child (or children) and they are sharing the practical side of parenting responsibilities now. It's impossible to have a problem-free relationship with a person who you don't like or/and who doesn't like you, but you are forced to interact (co-work/help out the person you don't like) every moment of the rest of your life. 

Now, what about those people who are telling you that they are best friends with their co-parent? That they have a beautiful, problem free co-parenting relationship? Who are presenting themselves as a large, extended family, all adults focused on bringing up a child (children) in the centre. How they are doing it?

First: “fake it until you make it” people. Loads of people are choosing to put on an act and show it in public. Their performance is called “perfect co-parenting” and they are just playing their roles despite what they actually feel or think inside. The world's oldest “royal are keeping up appearance” show. 

Second: Social media people. Presenting themselves as “unique” , “interesting”, “we can do what you can not” gives those people a platform to make Tik-Tok videos and post in social media and that is their job. They are aware that co-working with their enemy is beneficial and fighting them would not bring any benefits to anyone. 

Third: “No problems co-parenting” is the cover up label for abusive co-parenting. Most common is that biological mother, who is displaying Golden Uterus Syndrome or Sociopathic traits, has been achieving the superior position in the co-parenting relationship and dad stepped back, allowing mother to make all the decisions and rule to the “i” every aspect in dad's after separation life (sometimes dad's family and relatives lives too). And yes, if you have absolute superior position in a relationship, it is your perfect co-parenting relationship. 

This theory has been studied by a group of scientists from different universities and they found that: people who maintain very friendly and close after-separation-co-parenting relationships, have very high scores in psychopath diagnostic scale. In plain English: people who are stating that they have a problem free co-parenting are psychopaths.

(read more about perfect co-parenting with a sociopath from here)  and 

(read more about the Golden Uterus Syndrome after divorce here) 

Than explains why you have problems and difficulties when trying to co-parent:

a) you are not a psychopath,

b) you are not a liar,

c) you are not a social media whore,

You are a sound minded person, who is able to see and analyse your situation adequately.

ANY relationship have ups and downs. You are facing problems with your loved ones, with your family, with your children, with your best colleagues. You can understand that dealing with a person who is more or less opposite to that: someone you don't love, don't like don't trust- there is no reason to expect that the relationship should be a easy and simple sailing.

Isn't it?